Laziness.

Well, I was kind of on a brief hiatus.  It wasn't really bad...I wasn't straying from God or anything...I just wasn't really putting what I was learning out there.  I was kinda just being lazy.

I think the most important thing I have been learning in the past few weeks is to focus on now.  I have been getting really excited about going home and it has started to cloud my vision of now.  I have to remember that I have a lot of things to do here still.  I have 5 papers to write...well, 4 now...I have family here to visit, I have friends to spend time with that I may never see again, and I have this weather and this island to enjoy, because I have no idea when I will be able to come back.  God put me here for a reason, at this spot, on this day.  I can't just glide through this special day just looking forward to 18 days from now.  Yes, I can be excited to go home and see my family, and my boyfriend, and graduate from college. But right now God has me here, and here is where He wants my mind.

Another thing that I have been struggling with lately is laziness.  The weather has been getting hotter, and with the heat comes my wanting to just lay around under my fan and do nothing.  That is so unhealthy in many ways.  1. I have homework to get done! 2. I have friends to see, people to hang out with. 3. I need to spend time focusing on God, not laying in my bed watching movies/Boy Meets World all day.   I think getting out for the weekend and spending time with my family has definitely been helping.  I get to see people and do things other than watch movies.  This coming week is going to be hard for me because I have no classes, and I will want to just spend my time doing nothing, but I have to work on my final projects (5 papers and 3 presentations).  But I also have to remember to get out and do stuff, because working on my final projects is important, but I will go crazy if that is all I do all week!

So anyway, this was mostly just a rant on how I need to get off my butt.

I am so grateful for this experience that God has given me and what He has taught me through the last 3.5 months. I am sad to go, but I am happy to be going home.  I will forever have these 4 months and I will especially remember them as the time I got to spend getting closer to my amazing family.


God is good <3

Things are changing.

Everything I have been through while here has been such a gift. I am so new...I feel like I can look at the world in such a new way. I can see a change in my heart that is greater than any gift God has ever given me. He is preparing me for some serious things in my future, some sooner than others.

I am so excited to move out and get a "real job" and start living a life without school for a while. Yes, I will miss my family, but I know that God has big plans for me!

These last 69 days have made me closer than ever to Eric, and I couldn't be happier with the relationship that we have.

There are 51 days left. I am ready to go home, but looking at the last 69 days I can't wait to see what more God can show me in the days I have remaining. Life is such a gift, and living it with God at my side is so amazing.

I am starting to get really excited for Camp this summer...not only because I love it, but because I am so excited to share what I have learned with some young minds that are eager to soak up some serious Jesus knowledge.

These last 69 days have showed me that I want to work with people. I don't know how, or in what career, but I know that I love kids...and just people in general. I know God will put me where he needs me and I am so excited for that opportunity!

<3

One of those days...

Welp. Today was not my day.

It started out great! I got to Skype with my amazing boyfriend for almost two hours!

Then after that things got a little sketchy.

1. The water pressure wasn't the greatest in the shower...so it took me extra long.
2. I got to class only to find out we were walking to the market to learn about Dominican vudu....and everyone was waiting for me. oops.
3. On our way to the market I stepped in a puddle of water and basically wiped out in the middle of the sidewalk. The funny part is I was telling a story about dance, so they thought I was "showing them some moves"...nope. just making a fool out of myself.
4. While in the market I blacked out and almost fainted....had to sit down and chug some water.
5. After the market our "lovely" teacher tells us we have a 2 page paper due tomorrow about what we learned today. (while I was attempting to stay conscious.)
6. I have an extremely bad headache and I keep getting back spasms.


On a better note. I have figured out a way to keep things moving along: I will find things each week to look forward to. I am determined to make time fly by. I miss my home.

Everything...

I haven't posted in a while.

So much has happened.

My phone broke...I made it past half way...I had a week full of stress and tests and papers...everything.

But now...I don't know if it's the left over stress from all of it, or the fact that half way can mean so many things. Yes, the second half might go faster, but I have only done half of it....there is still half left...that is so much. Also, I wanna go home....but my host family, my real family here, when will I get to see them again? What am I gonna do not hearing "nana" every time I open my bedroom door?

Also..I am graduating. I am entering the "real world"...but what am I going to do? Where will I work? Am I moving downstate? Can I get a job? Can I afford a place to live? I am trying not to worry...but two months is not a long time...but it is.

My emotions have been crazy lately. I got some exciting news today...but I still feel so sad. My step-dad is coming here for three weeks...but I can't seem to get over the fact that I am still not home. What can I do? I am trying to keep praying...trying to focus on God...but I feel no change.

My emotions right now: alkdsfjoaiwej; kaldsjfoiawejrklj


Pray for me. Please.

<3

Faith.

The hardest part about having unwavering faith, is when your prayers aren't answered the way that you had hoped.  Things go the wrong way and things change, but we must trust that God is doing things to give us the best outcome.  When we pray, we mustn't pray for a certain outcome, but for God to do what He knows is best for us because we are struggling.  God is the only one who knows what is best and He is the only one who knows where our lives are going.  We sometimes think we know what is best and we sometimes think we know what the best outcome of a situation is, but that is when we really need to have the most Faith of all. We don't always know what is best because our judgement is often clouded by the wants of the flesh.

Why do I always struggle with this? Why do I continue to not have faith that God will get me through? Why does what I want always seem the best, and why do I think that in the end I may not get what I want?  God doesn't do things in our timing, he does them in his own.  Ugh. Patience.

Forgiveness

A lot of times I take to forgiveness too quickly...as I have learned in past relationships, forgiveness does not mean you continue to let a person in your life to continue to hurt you. Of course, in any relationship...you dont give up on someone when they make mistakes or the wrong thing slips out. But the important thing is to realize when it wasnt a mistake...or when they truly are not good for you.

Now...dont get crazy. This has no reflection on my relationship right now. But it makes perfect sense as to why I continued to let myself continue in past relationships that I knew werent good for me...or the other person. I just needed to learn that forgiving someone...doesn't mean you need to keep them in your heart.

Now that my lesson is learned...my heart is capable of so much more love than I ever imagened...because there is more room for Jesus. <3

Honesty.

Well...honesty. I guess I don't have a huge problem with telling lies...as I do with actually speaking the truth. I believe that most of that problem branches from the fact that I am never honest with myself. I constantly tell myself things are okay...things don't need to change...things will work themselves out. When I know deep down that they won't. I need to admit to myself that there is something not necessarily right...or not Godly going on before I can expect anything to get better. How can God change my heart if I don't let him?! I need to start getting serious. Start actually being honest with my heart and with God. Because the way I have been living isn't helping me...or anyone. It is only harming my heart. I need to be truthful. Completely truthful.

I need Jesus to change my heart. <3 I can't do it without him.